Same. A good phrase to keep handy is "What can you tell me about...?" Then keep quiet and listen. My greatest genealogical triumph was to uncover a family secret that dated from 1860 and was kept and shared by generations of family members until my grandmother refused to tell. I worked fifty years off and on to find out who my gr gr grandfather was. Now I share the secret with several 4fth cousins.
This article should be required reading for genealogists and historians. Sooner or later you will stumble into family secrets and there is a skill for navigating the facts, lies and emotions of relatives. Well done Lori Olson White!
I've learned to ask "What can you tell me about...?" Then I shut up and listen until it comes out. Even if we both stand there looking at our shoes for five minutes. People want to talk about it, they just need the right listener at the right time. And ironically, the more distant the connection with the listener, the more likely they are to pour it out. It's almost like being a priest at confessional. Same vibe.
Great question. I've done hundreds of interviews, and always end them with, "is there anything else you want to talk about?", and that one question has opened doors to some of the most extraordinary stories I've ever had the honor of hearing.
Interestingly, some of the research that didn't make it into this piece verified what you experienced in terms of people willingly sharing secrets with strangers, and also the mental health benefits of doing just that. It's low risk/high reward. In Michael Slepian's book, he talks about spaces where people can write their secrets on sticky notes and post them on walls, or drop them into "secret boxes", and how beneficial that is. Fascinating topic for sure!
Glad you found it helpful and thanks for reaching out. I’m always looking for new ways to add value to family history and genealogy and am fascinated by your work.
Great article. I've stumbled upon several secrets while doing this research, and it has definitely given me pause about how to handle them.
Same. A good phrase to keep handy is "What can you tell me about...?" Then keep quiet and listen. My greatest genealogical triumph was to uncover a family secret that dated from 1860 and was kept and shared by generations of family members until my grandmother refused to tell. I worked fifty years off and on to find out who my gr gr grandfather was. Now I share the secret with several 4fth cousins.
Thanks! I was sort of surprised how much insight was available from straight up academic research. There’s a lot - I just scratched the surface.
This article should be required reading for genealogists and historians. Sooner or later you will stumble into family secrets and there is a skill for navigating the facts, lies and emotions of relatives. Well done Lori Olson White!
Thanks, David. It's a tough topic, isn't it? But I agree, the best time to think about how to handle a family secret is before you come across one.
I've learned to ask "What can you tell me about...?" Then I shut up and listen until it comes out. Even if we both stand there looking at our shoes for five minutes. People want to talk about it, they just need the right listener at the right time. And ironically, the more distant the connection with the listener, the more likely they are to pour it out. It's almost like being a priest at confessional. Same vibe.
Great question. I've done hundreds of interviews, and always end them with, "is there anything else you want to talk about?", and that one question has opened doors to some of the most extraordinary stories I've ever had the honor of hearing.
Interestingly, some of the research that didn't make it into this piece verified what you experienced in terms of people willingly sharing secrets with strangers, and also the mental health benefits of doing just that. It's low risk/high reward. In Michael Slepian's book, he talks about spaces where people can write their secrets on sticky notes and post them on walls, or drop them into "secret boxes", and how beneficial that is. Fascinating topic for sure!
Excellent article! Thanks for sharing the resources on secrets. I'll check it out for my ancestral healing / family patterns work.
Glad you found it helpful and thanks for reaching out. I’m always looking for new ways to add value to family history and genealogy and am fascinated by your work.
🤯🤐 I am writing a book about family secrets. This is an interesting article. I'm going to do the survey and thanks for the book recommendation too.
Awesome and glad you found it interesting. Can’t wait to read your book!
Lori- I love the emphasis here on secret to some, and reveal to others. So true. Hope you’re well this week? Cheers, Thalia